Chapter 22
(Adama's POV)

From sickbay I head directly to CIC, knowing that, as disturbing as this whole situation with Kara may be, we are still at war and I still have a battlestar to run here. It is true that under normal circumstances I can trust my crew to handle pretty much anything that comes up --and luckily so far today we haven't had any contact with the cylons-- but still it wouldn't do for us to get caught with our pants down... well, at least that is what I keep telling myself.

The thing is that being in CIC reminds me of the things that haven't changed. Yes, I received a pretty major shock today but in the grand scheme of things that doesn't mean much... and in a way I think that may be the key, that may be precisely where I've been going wrong here, because I keep forgetting that even though this is news to me that doesn't make it a new development.

I think that's also what Laura was trying to get me to understand a while ago when she pointed out that chances are that what Kara is dreading more than anything right now is the possibility that I might start treating her differently as a result of what I learned today... especially because as far as she is concerned her past hasn't changed. After all, from her perspective this is old news and that is something I'm going to have to come to terms with. That means that if I want to be able to reach her the first thing I'm going to have to do is to rein in my instinctive reaction of wanting to wrap her in cotton and keep her safe. Unfortunately the time for me to do that is long past. I can't change what happened to her all those years ago any more than I can go back in time to keep Zak from being killed in that accident and that means that all that's left for me to do is to deal with the fallout... and I also know that this is not exactly what I had in mind when I walked in here determined to take my mind away from this morning's revelations and to focus on the routine of running a battlestar instead.

The problem is that, seeing how we have been on the run for months and how barring an attack --and maybe even then-- most of my crew could perform their duties in their sleep, my presence here is mostly symbolic so there's not all that much to keep my mind from wandering... and, unlike keeping the Galactica going, this situation with Kara is something new and as such it does require as much of my attention as I can give it.

I know that what I need here is a strategy to tackle this mess and in that regard I have to admit that both Laura and Cottle made some valid points. Yes, the idea of hugging Kara is still going to take some getting used to but I think I'm beginning to understand just what it was that Laura was trying to say when she made that suggestion in the first place... and Cottle also had a point when he insisted that Lee and Helo should be encouraged to get past their own awkwardness with this whole mess before Kara's return to duty. Hell, to be honest I should probably add my own name to the top of that list.

In order to do that I have some facts at my disposal --not as many as I would like considering the stakes but hopefully enough to make do-- but if I want to come up with a strategy here I'm also going to need an objective, a goal. That is the part I've had a hard time trying to figure out so far: what do I want to accomplish here? I can't change Kara's past, I know that, and --even though she has an uncanny ability to drive me crazy at times-- I don't want to change who she is either, not really. What I want to do is to get to the bottom of this --whatever this happens to be-- but at the same time I have to keep in mind that what I have to deal with here is with her present. I guess in the end it all boils down to the fact that I want her to trust me, that I want to get to know her, even if that sounds incredibly selfish.

Is there anything I want her to get out of this? Well, I want her to know that she can trust me, that she is not alone and --if Laura was right about the fact that somewhere in there is a little girl that still believes that she deserved everything she got-- I want to get that little girl to understand that that was most definitely not the case... but, even though Kara is the focus of my concerns, in the end I have to accept that this is mostly about me, that --for the most part-- this is really my problem.

That's something. It still doesn't feel like much of an answer, and it's certainly not the answer I was hoping for, but at least it is a starting point and that was what I was looking for.

The next element I am going to have to factor into this situation are Lee and Helo. I know they are worried and I know I can expect them to drop by my quarters in a couple of hours --that is pretty much a given-- and when they do I better have myself under control. They are two of Kara's closest friends and they already know. Whether that's going to turn out to be a blessing or a curse remains to be seen but the bottom line is that there's nothing I can do about it and the fact that they know at least does mean that we outnumber her three to one. Considering how stubborn Kara can be, that is probably a good thing.

Of course, the fact that there are three of us could also turn out to be a problem because, as I told Lee earlier today, the one thing we can't afford to do right now is to be working at cross purposes from each other. That means that we are going to have to coordinate our offensives here but in order to do that we are also going to have to figure out where each one of the pieces happens to fit in. In other words, we are going to have to be very aware of what our roles are supposed to be here and we are also going to have no choice but to be honest with ourselves as to where our respective relationships with Kara really stand. That could turn out to be tricky, especially considering that while I have no problem admitting that I love her like a daughter --and while in that regard I don't think her friendship with Helo is going to give us much trouble either-- my son is likely to turn out to be a very different story.

I have been watching the two of them dance around each other for months now but in spite of that I still don't have a word to define their relationship and much less do I have a clue as to where that relationship happens to be going... and I suspect that neither do they. That is going to make things difficult to say the least, especially because I'm not sure they are ready to do away with their games just yet... in fact I'm pretty sure they are not.

Does Lee love Kara? Yes, there's no question about that but their relationship is so frakked up that defining that love is all but impossible. Perhaps a more accurate question would be is Lee in love with Kara? That's not so easy for me to say, especially because, for all our progress in these past couple of months, I am still struggling to rebuild my relationship with my son and I don't know him anywhere near as well as I should. My gut feeling is that if he is not then he is at least heading in that direction and --going once again by Laura's comments-- that could lead to trouble because I suspect that that will cause Kara to panic. After all, while Laura said that Kara knows what to do with sex and violence, I couldn't help but to notice that she was very careful to leave love out of that particular equation and I don't want to see my son get hurt here, not if I can possibly avoid it. That brings me to the next question, 'does Kara love Lee?' and the answer to that one is likely to be something along the lines of 'maybe, but --even if she does-- don't expect her to have a clue of what the frak it is that she is supposed to do with that feeling'... and, regs aside, that is where things are bound to get complicated.

If we are going to tackle this --and we are going to tackle this, no 'if' necessary-- we are going to have to be honest with ourselves but at the same time, seeing how neither Lee nor Kara seem to be anywhere near ready to lower their defenses around each other, I'm afraid that trying to keep things between those two from turning into a train wreck should probably be added to my list of priorities, especially because they are my best pilots and that means that I need them out there. If we are going to survive I need them to be able to work together, it is as simple as that. Besides, in addition to that there's also the fact that an all out war between Starbuck and Apollo could turn out to be far more devastating for this poor old battlestar than a cylon attack.

Well, the good news is that --seeing how this particular mess isn't related to today's revelations but at the same time it wasn't even on my dradis prior to my conversation with Laura-- that means that at least now I have some semblance of a heads-up here and maybe I'll even be able to do something to keep this from spiraling completely out of control, though that doesn't mean I'm happy about it, far from it.

I'm supposed to be a commander, not a counselor or a matchmaker, damn it! As Caroline knew all too well, I've never been good at dealing with this emotional crap so how the frak did I end up finding myself being roped into this whole mess in the first place?