Chapter 61
(Kara's POV)

'Frak, what do I have to say to get them to put an end to this thing once and for all?' I wonder, though I know better than to say anything out loud. Of course, I also know that even if Cottle and the Old Man were to 'put an end to it', that still wouldn't be the end of it. Lee may have been holding his piece up until now but I know him and I know that sooner or later he is going to say something... and, unlike Cottle and the Old Man, he has nowhere else he'd rather be. That means that he can afford to wait.

I am still thinking about that, wondering what the frak is Lee thinking when the Old Man's voice reminds me that the battle is anything but over and I can't afford to be caught off guard.

"Was he the only one?" he asks, the disgust clear in his voice, and I just don't know what to say at that.

"Yes, no... I..." I trail off.

"Kara?"

"It's not so frakking simple," I snap.

"Yes, it is. Were there others?"

"Yes but... it wasn't the same," I try to explain... again.

"Define 'not the same'."

"They weren't as bad. They..."

"They what?"

"I don't know," I say, feeling incredibly frustrated, especially because I know that no matter what I say now they are not going to understand and they sure as hell are not going to let this go... not that their letting this go now would do me much good.

"Try."

"Well, for starters none of the others lasted anywhere near that long and..."

"And?"

"And I knew what they wanted," I admit, feeling more than a little silly.

"Care to explain that?"

"I mean that when I was ten I didn't really understand what was going on or why Jonas was doing the things he was doing. As stupid as it may sound, I didn't know what he was getting out of it and I sure as hell didn't have a frakking clue as to what I was supposed to do."

"But by the time he left that was no longer the case," he says, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

"No."

"So Jonas wasn't the only one?" he insists, going back to his original question.

"I guess."

"How many?" he growls but I just shrug at that.

"Kara."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know. After Jonas it got better, at least for a couple of years, but then..."

"Then what?"

"Then things changed. I..." I trail off for what feels like the umpteenth time and I wonder what is it going to take for me to be able to finish a frakking sentence without getting stuck.

"What changed?"

"I guess I did," I admit before going on. "I mean, up until then most of the men mom brought home saw me as a pain in the ass but when I was about fourteen some of them started noticing me. They went from seeing me like a pain in the ass to seeing me like a nice fringe benefit. At first it used to freak me out --especially after Jonas-- but then I realized that most of them were not so bad, not as long as I went along... and I did."

"Did what?"

"Go along," I explain with a shrug, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"You didn't fight them."

"No," I reply, even though that wasn't really a question.

"And that's what you meant when you said it was not the same?" he asks and I just nod at that, looking down at my hands.

"Give me your eyes, Kara," he orders and I find myself obeying, almost against my will.

"You may have gone along with them but it was still the same."

"No, it wasn't."

"You were a kid."

"So?"

"So you shouldn't have had to fight them off in the first place," he insists.

"I don't need your frakking pity."

"It's not about pity. It's about the fact that it was wrong."

"Maybe but..."

"But what?"

"Nothing."

"Kara."

"Would you please just let this go?" I plead, even though I know I am way out of line.

"What was it, Kara?" he pushes and I realize that I've managed to paint myself into a corner here and that there's going to be no fighting my way out of the mess I just got myself into. That means that there is just one thing left for me to do: I am going to have to say it and deal with the fallout.

"It's what I did about it," I finally admit.

"What you did?"

"Yeah... by the time I was fifteen I..." I trail off again.

"You what?"

"By the time I was fifteen I was already playing pyramid," I say though, if the looks on their faces are anything to go by, that explanation is nowhere near enough so I go on. "I was getting stronger and sometimes I could even get them to back off and leave me alone but I hated it. I hated the idea of going home... and the fact that I was on the team meant that I didn't really have to."

"You didn't have to?"

"No. The fact that I was on the team meant that I was popular and that meant that there were a bunch of guys wanting to frak me so I kind of had my pick. I..."

"You what, you avoided going home by sleeping around? How the frak was that better?" Lee interrupts me, finally finding his voice and sounding utterly disgusted... not that that comes as much of a surprise.

"How about the fact that at least it was my choice, that for the first time in my life I was actually in control?" I snap. Yes, I had been waiting for him to say something and I knew chances were that it was not going to be pretty but Lee is --or at least was-- my best friend and there is a difference between expecting something and having to confront that something.