Chapter 44
(Lee's POV)

Part of me knows that I have to tread carefully here, part of me knows that I'm in way over my head --hell, part of me knows that I should really be looking for a way to put an end to this conversation, both for Kara's sake and for my own... especially because Cottle would have my hide if he knew about this-- but at the same time I just can't let this go. I need an answer, I need to understand what the frak happened all those months ago, to say nothing of the fact that this can not be put off indefinitely so, even if I were to put an end to it right now, sooner or later we would have to do this all over again and that in itself would be more than a little unpleasant.

Yes, I am well aware of all the reasons why this is a bad idea. I know Kara is at the end of her rope, I know she is in no shape to be going over this right now, I know her defenses are down and I know I am taking advantage of that fact but at the same time I don't think she needs to have this hanging over her head, not if it can possibly be avoided... or at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself.

Of course, if her answers so far are anything to go by, I suspect that she has been giving this whole situation some thought... not that that means she is likely to share those thoughts with me out of the kindness of her heart.

"So why did you do it? What were you so afraid of?" I ask, steeling myself for a fight and trying to come up with some sort of strategy.

"I already told you. I didn't think I would ever be good enough, I didn't think I could be what you wanted and deep down I knew that in the end Sam couldn't hurt me."

"And you think I would have?"

"Maybe not deliberately but... you kept asking for more than I could give and..." she trails off.

"And what?"

"And I knew I could survive losing Sam," she whispers after hesitating for a moment.

"So you left me because you were afraid I was going to leave you?" I ask, trying --without much success-- to make some sort of sense out of what passes for Kara's logic.

"Sort of."

"Gods, Kara, do you really have that little faith in me?"

"What?" she asks, looking honestly puzzled.

"I asked you if you really have that little faith in me," I repeat.

"No, but..."

"No 'buts', Kara. Did it ever even occur to you that I might not leave at all, that if you had given me half a chance I would have stayed?"

"I'm sorry, Lee, I just... I couldn't do it... I..."

"You what?"

"I'm a screw up," she whispers, falling back to what amounts to her standard response... one I'm getting sick and tired of.

"No, you are not."

"But you just said that I screwed up," she reminds me and I have to fight the urge to bang my head against the wall at that.

"I never said that you screwed up, I said that we did, there's a difference, but even if I had said 'you' instead of 'we' the fact that you screwed up still doesn't make you a screw up, it makes you human. I know you got scared, I get that but..."

"But what?"

"But damn it, Kara, why couldn't you just trust me?"

"But I did," she insists.

"Not enough to stay," I remind her, not quite succeeding in keeping the hurt out of my voice.

"That's not..." she trails off.

"That's not what?" I prod, wondering how many tries is it going to take for me to get something remotely resembling a full answer out of her.

"That's not it, that's not why I left."

"Then why?"

"Because..."

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that crap, Kara! Why did you leave?"

"I already told you."

"Because you couldn't stand the thought of me leaving you? Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?"

"Then tell me what the frak is it that you want to hear!"

"What?"

"You asked me why I left, I told you and you basically told me that I had to pick a different answer, so I figured I might as well save myself some trouble and ask you what the frak is it that you expect me to say."

"I want you to tell me the truth, damn it!"

"And that's precisely the point: I already did, it's not my fault if you don't want to hear it!" she snaps and I realize that this is not going to get us anywhere. Kara has dug her heels in and she is not going to budge.

"Come on, Kara, let's not..."

"Let's not what?" she growls.

"I don't want to fight you, damn it, I just want to understand!"

"And have you ever tried listening for that?" she mutters, glaring at me.

"That's rich coming from you!"

"Yeah, well..." she begins but she is suddenly interrupted by Cottle's arrival and the truth is that I don't even know if I should be relieved or annoyed by that. Yes, I knew we weren't going to get anywhere any time soon and in that regard having the doc put an end to it without either one of us having to back down does give us an easy way out of this one but at the same time I have more questions than answers --frak, I have more questions now than I did a few minutes ago-- and the doc's presence here means that those questions are bound to remain unanswered... for now.