Chapter 18
(Kara's POV)

Frak, frak, frak! Okay, so I guess I probably should have seen this one coming from miles away but still... FRAK! As if having Cottle and the Old Man know weren't bad enough already, now I also have to add Lee's name to that frakking list... and, now that I think about it, Sam's.

I can only hope that that is the extent of it but at the same time I know that, even if it is, it is unlikely to stay that way for long. True, the Galactica is not exactly the smallest of ships but that doesn't mean we have much privacy and the bottom line is that secrets are all but impossible to keep around here. We live in cramped quarters, we bunk together, we eat together and we fight together. That is usually a good thing, seeing how out here we literally have to rely on each other if we want to stay alive, but not this time around.

The problem is that I don't know what the frak it is that I am supposed to be doing here, though I do know I have to say something... not that that is likely to do me much good.

"I am still me," I whisper, praying that he will understand, even though deep down I already know he won't.

"Kara..."

"Don't you dare, Lee! I'm not broken, gods-damn it!" I growl, trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation... or maybe I should make that trying to gain some semblance of control over it because the truth is that right now I have none.

"Yes, well, there's a hole in your gut that begs to differ," he reminds me, not willing to back down. "Why did you do it?"

"You wouldn't understand," I say, wishing that he would just let it go but knowing him well enough to realize that there's no way in hell that's going to happen, not now.

"Then make me," he challenges.

"I can't."

"I'm sorry," he blurts out.

"What?" I ask, wondering where the frak did that come from. I mean, only a few seconds ago he was actually reminding me of the 'hole in my gut' as he not-so-subtly put it and now all of a sudden he is apologizing for the gods know what. That is confusing to say the least and I am already confused enough, thank you oh so very much. Of course, if I were to be honest with myself I would also have to admit that he is not the only one who is feeling more than a little lost here. The truth is that right now I don't even know what I want. Do I want him to back off or do I want him to understand? I'm not sure. I guess if I were to be honest with myself I would have to say that I want him to understand without knowing but, of course, I also know that that is not really an option.

"You are my friend, Kara, and I..."

"Could have fooled me," I mutter.

"Yes, well, I may have messed up but I certainly wasn't the only one. We both frakked up but... the bottom line is that I don't want to lose you."

"Right," I snort, unable to keep the bitterness and the disbelief out of my voice as I think back to everything that has happened in the last year and a half, from me shooting him, to New Caprica and...

"Hear me out, you have every right to be pissed and I know it but please... I don't want to fight you, not now."

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just that..." I trail off, not quite knowing how to explain.

"That what?" he prods.

"It's a mess," I whisper.

"What is a mess?"

"Everything. It's all messed up and everyone knows."

"Not everyone, just dad, Cottle and me," he reassures me... or tries to.

"And Sam," I remind him.

"Yes," he grudgingly admits.

"So what the frak am I supposed to do now?"

"I know it's hard, believe me, I get that part but... we care about you, all of us, and it's going to be fine. It will probably take a while, I'll give you that, but in the end it will be fine."

"No, it won't."

"Do you really think this changes anything? Do you honestly believe that I am going to think any less of you because of what that damned thing did to you? Gods, Kara, do you think so little of me?"

"Yes," I all but yell at him, not quite believing the fact that Lee is lying to me, that he is actually trying to protect me... that he thinks I am too frakking weak to handle the truth. Sure, we've had our ups and downs --more downs than ups recently-- but he's never done that before and I know that this is just the beginning. I know this is what's in store for me, I know this is what I have to look forward to: this really disgusting mixture of pity and contempt. That is not a pleasant prospect but at the same time I know there is nothing I can do about it... and that in the end I only have myself to blame, after all I'm the one that messed up here. Hell, I couldn't even put a clean end to this when I had the chance and now doing that is going to be all but impossible.

"Gods, Kara, you were drowning and I didn't even notice that you were hurting at all. I should have been there for you, supporting you, but I just kept pushing you down instead."

"Do you really think it is that simple?" I ask, shaking my head at that.

"I don't know, okay? All I know is that I frakked up and you damn near died as a result!"

"For frak's sake, Lee, get over yourself!"

"You can't deny that..." he begins but he stops when the curtain is pulled open and Cottle walks in, glaring at him... glaring at both of us.

"Now, that is enough you two. You," he says pointing at Lee," should know better than to let her goad you into a fight, at least for the time being, and you," he adds turning his attention to me, "you, young lady, are not allowed to go pushing the major's buttons until I say so and that's an order, do I make myself clear?"