Chapter 4
(Sam's POV)

I can't believe that this is actually happening. I can't believe that after surviving four months in that damned hellhole Kara would just give up but at the same time I can see the proof right in front of me, in the fact that she is lying motionless on that frakking bed with more lines and wires attached to her than I can count and making the sheets look colorful by comparison... to say nothing of her brand new hair-do. That is the thing I can't quite tear my eyes away from. I used to love running my fingers through her hair and just seeing what she's done to it...

Almost without realizing it I find myself reaching out to touch it. In spite of everything her hair is still incredibly soft and in a way that feels wrong.

I wonder what happened in the head... and what was it that the admiral said to her in the first place. From what he told us that was probably what pushed her over the edge, though I know that Apollo volunteering to open an airlock for her must have hit her hard too. After all, I know that in her mind he was still her wingman, the one person she was used to relying on for her life and then to have him turn on her when she needed him the most...

I have never understood their relationship, not really. She said that he was her best friend and her dead fiancee's older brother all rolled into one but I've always suspected that there was more to it than that... especially considering the hostility I could sense from him after we got married. Still, even though I never saw them fly together, I know he was the other half of the 'Starbuck and Apollo' legend I had heard so much about and in the end I know that flying was what Kara had missed the most while we were down on New Caprica. Her wings were the one thing she had dreamed of getting back. Oh, she never talked much about it, not really --and I have to admit that I was deeply relieved by the fact that while we were down there I didn't have to worry about her getting in that damned bird of hers one day and not coming back-- but that doesn't mean I couldn't see the longing in her eyes whenever she looked up at the sky.

That was one of the reasons why I had allowed myself to believe that now that we were back in this old bucket of bolts things were going to be fine, though deep down I guess I always knew it wasn't going to be anywhere near that easy.

I may not have wanted to admit it but almost from the moment we got here I could already see that Kara was not the same woman she had been four months before, when I was too sick to do anything but watch as that frakking toaster led her away.

Those four months of not knowing whether she was dead or alive were hell for me and I was so relieved to have her back... the problem is that I never did, not really.

Ever since we came back she's been avoiding me, keeping me at arm's length and doing everything within her power to drink herself into oblivion. She would hardly even let me touch her and that's been frustrating as hell. I could see that she was on the verge of losing control and yet I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it so in the end I gave her what she said she wanted and left. At the time I thought that was the right thing for me to do but now I can't help but wonder if that wasn't a mistake, if maybe --instead of backing down-- I should have tried pushing harder.

Of course, I am also all too aware of the fact that trying to push Kara --especially when she doesn't want to be pushed-- has a tendency to backfire. In fact I suspect that pushing her is exactly what the admiral was trying to do in the first place and... well, let's just say that we already know how that went and leave it at that.

The thing is that, even though I knew something was very, very wrong with her, I never expected her to do something like this. I never expected her to just give up. She is supposed to be a fighter, damn it, and this is not the way this was supposed to end.

Oh, I know it's not over yet, I know she is still alive and I even know that chances are that given enough time she will heal just fine but that is in spite of her and that's what bothers me... especially because I am all too aware of just how stubborn she can be. I know that if Kara really wants to die there is not going to be a frakking thing any of us can do to prevent it.

Hell, even the doctor said that he is going to be keeping her sedated to give her body a chance to heal without her mind getting in the way. He is keeping her sedated because he doesn't want to have to fight her while he treats her and he all but told us that we should be prepared to have her try this again... and I know that if she keeps trying sooner or later she is bound to succeed. That's what scares the hell out of me.

She should have been safe here, damn it! This is where she wanted to be all along, this place was supposed to be 'home' to her, so what happened and what the frak am I supposed to do about it? I don't know. I've never been much of a thinker. Hell, I was perfectly content being just another dumb jock and then the world ended.

I was never meant to be a warrior, I never chose to be a soldier, not like she did... I just did what I had to do to keep myself and those around me alive until she came back.

She saved my life and I don't want to lose her. That is what this whole thing boils down to but at the same time I don't really have a clue as to what it was that brought her to this point in the first place and much less do I know what I can do to fix it.

I am still trying to figure that one out when I hear the curtain being pulled open behind me and I realize that my ten minutes are up so I kiss her forehead --trying to be careful with all the wires that are currently attached to her-- and then I make my way past Apollo, fighting the urge to beat the crap out of the man. To say that I've never been particularly fond of him would be an understatement but it has never been like this before. Right now I'm having a hard time trying to keep my temper under control as I see him approach the bed... as I see him approach my wife. As far as I am concerned he has no right to be here and just watching him with her is enough to make my blood boil.

From what we know he and his father are the ones responsible for what happened. They are the ones who pushed her over the edge and that means that they are the ones who landed her on that bed in the first place.