Craving the Silence
I finally managed to escape to my room. I'm tired, very, very tired but I know that sleep is not the answer, so I lay on my bed staring at the celling. I am grateful for the time off, even though I never asked for it, but the problem is that Simon didn't just give me a week off, he gave us a week off and while I appreciate what Jim is trying to do, it is exhausting. I guess I would have been able to cope with some sort of silent, stoic show of support, but Jim just had to go and do the totally atypical thing and now suddenly all he wants to do is talk. I'm so not liking this role reversal and I can't help but wonder if this is how he feels like when I push him to open up. I've done everything I can to keep myself from breaking down, but I don't know how much more I can take. The thing is that I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to pick up the pieces so even though he said he's here for me, that I am not alone, I just can't afford to take any chances.
Luckily so far he hasn't really pushed me to talk about what happened with Naomi, except for that first night. That is a small comfort but I don't know how long it will last. I can see that he is working his way up to that point and I'm aware that so far I've been unable to fight him off, I just don't have the energy and that terrifies me. The worst part is that I know he won't understand. I could see it in his eyes tonight, his anger. I shouldn't have let him corner me like he did, but he really caught me off guard and I knew he wouldn't have forgiven me if I had lied to him.
I guess in a way it was my fault, I shouldn't have told him that I kept Naomi's death from him because doing that allowed me to pretend that he'd care. That's what set him off in this quest to dig into my past. I don't see the point, but I don't think I can stop him so I just have to endure. It's not like it changes anything. My past won't change regardless of how much digging he does and I won't change because of what he knows. What worries me is that our relationship may be affected as a result. I've worked hard to earn his respect and I don't want to see that turn to pity but if his reaction today is any indication that's exactly where we are headed. He sees the world through the eyes of a cop but I don't want him to see me as a victim. I'm not a victim, just a product of a different time, the problem is that I don't think he realizes that. Funny that I should be the one having to explain it to him, seeing how he is older than I am.
I wish I could make him understand, but somehow I don't think that's going to happen. For him the answers are clear, black or white and there is no room for shades of grey, especially not where children are involved, and when the child in question --or former child-- is his friend things get even worse. No matter what I say he is bound to make a big deal out of it and I really can't deal with his anger right now, even if it's not directed at me. In a sense it would have been easier to have him mad at me, especially when the alternative is having him mad at Naomi. Jim is going to need someone to blame and I know he won't accept the fact that it wasn't her fault.
So I'm staring at the celling, hiding in my room where I don't have to hide. It is quiet here, and safe, and only the silence keeps me company.