Eavesdropping on Sorrows
It began two nights ago. He came home late and I could see that he had been crying, even if he was trying to pretend that everything was just fine. I knew it was bad but I decided to let it go, realizing how hard he had been trying to conceal it. Yes, I could smell his tears, but I could also feel how chilled his skin was and it wasn't difficult for me to figure out that he had been outside almost from the moment he ran out of the bullpen. I also knew he had almost certainly walked all the way home, given that we had gone to the station together and I had driven the truck back, which meant he had to be exhausted, but in spite of that his night was restless. Maybe if I had decided to push it then I wouldn't be here thinking of just how am I going to kill my partner.
It took less than forty-eight hours of Blair withdrawing into himself for me to decide to find out what was wrong. For some reason I didn't want to confront him until I could have a better idea of just what it was that I was dealing with, and I certainly didn't want to get caught in one of his infamous obfuscations. He can be a master of misdirection when the need arises, so I figured that staying on top of the current problem would be a lot easier if I knew what the problem was beforehand. Given that I knew that 'the problem' had begun with a phone call he received in the bullpen its source was easily identified. At the time I hadn't eavesdropped, wanting to respect his privacy even when his pulse skyrocketed and he began shaking like a leaf. I had been tempted, but I hadn't eavesdropped and I had ended up regretting that decision... not that it mattered that much, given that all incoming calls are recorded, so today while Blair was away helping track some references for a case down in homicide I asked Simon if it would be possible for me to get a hold of that tape. Simon's first reaction was predictably a lecture on the importance of respecting other people's privacy, followed by a reluctant agreement and finally an insistence that he had to stay with me while I listened to the tape as a matter of procedure. I refrained from pointing out that this wasn't a criminal investigation and that there was no need to follow proper procedure. I wonder if Simon really believes that his gruff act is fooling anyone. I doubt it, but he likes to keep up appearances, so I decided to humor him. Of course, I never expected that tape to be what it was.
I know how close he was to his mother and I can't even begin to imagine how he must have felt when he was told that she was dead, and then having to hear it through a phone call, while at work and from a total stranger must have made it even more devastating. Add to that a twelve day long delay and the fact that he hadn't been given a chance to say goodbye or to attend her funeral and I can't help but wonder how on Earth he has managed to keep it together for the last couple of days and to keep on working, and I also wonder why the hell didn't he tell me about it. That is the thing I really can't understand: Why keep it a secret? Which brings me back to my current occupation of planning my partner's death, I mean, what could he have been thinking? Did he think I wouldn't care? Naomi may have messed up badly with the whole dissertation fiasco but I still respected her, and even if I hadn't been able to forgive her I would still have wanted to be there for Blair, for my partner, but he never gave me that chance.
I am worried, confused, hurt and furious, not necessarily in that order, but I must control myself. For the time being I have to pretend that I didn't hear what I heard only a few minutes ago, I figure that if Blair could pull it off for days I might be able to do it for a few hours, but it won't be easy. I know that that confrontation will have to wait until we are alone in the loft. I need a chance to be there for my partner and I need to find some answers for myself, and tonight I intend to get them both.