Sunnydale is gone and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that concept as we head to what are literally parts unknown in our little school bus. As painful as the loss of our town is, thinking about that is still a lot easier than thinking about the ones who didn't make it, like Anya, Spike and Kennedy. I can't believe she's gone... first Tara and now her. Is it something about me? I know it's absurd but I can't keep myself from wondering... just like I can't keep myself from wondering what would our lives have been like if Kennedy had made it.
Somehow I don't think we would have gotten our happily ever after. We loved each other but we loved each other for now, it was not the soul deep bond I shared with Tara and we both knew it. In a way I think she loved me more than I loved her and I'll never forgive myself for that.
Our whole relationship was ruled by ghosts... by my ghosts. Whether it was Tara's constant presence or Warren's, my past cast a giant shadow over us and now we'll never have a chance to move past it. In fact now I have a new ghost to add to that list.
I guess it's only fitting seeing how this past year was dominated by dead people as the First used our loved ones against us. Okay, so maybe not just our loved ones, seeing how 'loved one' is not a label I would ever use to describe Warren. We were haunted by those we lost and by those we killed but there's something that doesn't quite add up, something that keeps nagging me, I just wish I could figure out what it is.
And then out of nowhere it hits me. It happened long before we knew what was going on, long before we knew what it was that we were fighting, how it worked. It happened before we realized that we were dealing with a Big Bad that could impersonate any dead person it wanted. In fact it was a Big Bad that could even impersonate any formerly dead and not quite dead person it wanted. It could impersonate Buffy and it could impersonate Spike... and yet there was Cassie.
That's the thing that's been bothering me because it just doesn't make sense. Why Cassie? Why not Tara herself? The more I think about it the more obvious it becomes that --as impossible as it may seem-- somewhere, whether it is in this dimension or in a different one, Tara is still alive and I won't rest until I find her.