I hesitate for a moment as I throw a worried glance Jim's way, knowing that what's to come is not going to be pleasant but at the same time knowing it can't really be avoided.
Jack called us last night to tell us that our request has been approved, that we will be allowed to join the SGC as civilian consultants --both of us-- and that means the time has come for us to give Simon our two week's notice. Somehow I don't think he's going to be particularly happy about that.
In two weeks we will be leaving Cascade for good and the worst part is that we can't even tell him why... though I'm sure he can imagine part of the reason. We are leaving for our own safety, that part I'm sure he'll understand, that part we can explain but at the same time we can't tell him about the aliens, we can't tell him about the stargate and that feels too much like a betrayal.
For years Simon's helped us, guarding our secrets and I know we can trust him with the truth about why we are leaving and where we are going but unfortunately that's not our call to make so we have no choice but to keep quiet. That tacit deception is bothering me more than a little and I know it's also bothering Jim. We are lying by omission to someone we both know deserves better and there's nothing we can do about it... funny how obfuscating didn't use to bother me this much.
The thing is that even now, after all these years, Simon is still keeping up the pretense of guarding our secret in spite of the fact that pretty much everyone in Major Crimes figured out almost immediately that the press conference was the fraud... and now we can't even be honest with him. Of course, I also know that our inability to tell Simon the truth about why we are leaving is only the tip of a very big and nasty iceberg.
The thing is that right now, as we prepare ourselves to tell Simon that we are leaving, I can't help but feel that we are burning our bridges, that we've reached the point of no return and that terrifies me. We are leaving Cascade and in a way telling Simon makes it official... and there's a part of me --not too deep down-- that doesn't want to leave.
As I was growing up I never really stayed in one place for long and to this day I still think of myself as being a sort of modern day nomad... or at least I did until a few days ago. That's when I was hit by an amazing realization: I've lived in Cascade for more than half my life. I first moved here when I was sixteen years old and that was almost twenty years ago... and now the time has come for me to move again.
I'd never really thought of a place as being home before and now I'm about to leave my first home behind. In a way I guess this whole thing reminds me of that old song about being homesick for a home I've never had, only in this case I'm not homesick for a home I never had but rather for a home I never knew I had... and I haven't even left yet.
I know Jim is coming with me to Colorado, in fact I know Jim is, to a large extent, the reason we are moving to Colorado in the first place and that helps but there are so many things --so many people-- we will be leaving behind... and in a way SImon represents those things and those people.
Ever since I can remember Naomi always told me to detach with love, which I can now see was her code-phrase for don't get attached at all. I've never really been able to subscribe to that particular philosophy of hers but the thing is that in the past twenty years I had forgotten how much leaving can hurt... and the truth is that --precisely because of Naomi's refusal to get attached-- I had never had so much to leave behind in the first place. When I was forced to leave as a child that meant leaving behind my home of a few months at most, not my home of more than half my life.
Yes, I'm looking forward to life in Colorado Springs and beyond, I'm looking forward to boldly go where no man has gone before --though hopefully I'll manage to do it without going bald myself-- I'm looking forward to this chance to explore new worlds and new civilizations... though I am well aware that the new worlds, and especially the new civilizations, are likely to have teeth but I can cope with that if it means that I actually get a chance to see other worlds.
The thing is that even though those prospects are exciting they are also in the future and that means they have little to do with what's bothering me now. Right now I have to gather the courage to do what has to be done, to say goodbye to Simon and the rest of Major Crimes... and to leave behind the first real home I ever had.